the sword
when i began the adoption process for hazel, i promised myself that i would complete ruby's lifebook before i got on the plane to china. i’ve been working on it for a few months now, writing in my spare time. life books are really important for adopted kids -it tells their unique story , and attempts to explain some of the harder things and mysteries.its been an interesting process for me, and i am struck by the two sided nature of adoption. there is such great joy and such great loss. such joy being given the opportunity to parent this amazing little person. but that came on the heels of a huge loss that her birthfamily experienced when they parted with her. its hard to give words to things that i can’t even imagine and don’t completely understand.
the one child policy was instituted in 1979, the year i graduated from high school. families are allowed to have one child or in the case of ethnic minorities or some rural areas one son or two children. no social security in china so the age old need to have a son to care for you in old age- since your daughter will marry and be absorbed into the sons family, dictates that many families prefer healthy sons.
the abandonment of countless baby girls (and some boys) , certainly hundreds of thousands each year ,is an unintended side effect of the one child policy. some try to soften the harshness by pointing out that the character for ”abandon"” can also be translated as “left to be found” . but the fact is that babies are left, alone, and those who are supposed to love and protect them walk away with no intent to return. no one knows the real number of babies abandoned and the government is reluctant to admit the size of the problem. there are 30 provinces in china, each with a capitol city, and hundreds of other cities as well. each city, many counties and some districts are home to an orphanage or two. the math is mindboggling. many in china believe that it is the uneducated rural folk who abandon babies. some are likely born to unwed mothers who cannot care for them, some to couples who have pressure to produce a son.
the story is the same all over china. in cities and in rural areas, in spring and in fall, in the dawn and in the dusk, babies are left . sometimes with a note, sometimes with a bottle, sometimes with nothing at all to mark who they are. a passerby notices a box or a bundle and approaches, and see's it is a baby. i wonder sometimes if they are surprised, shocked, sad. the baby is taken to the closest police station and then to the nearest social welfare institute (swi) - aka the orphanage. there the baby is assessed and cared for. only 10% of the swi in china do international adoption, and only a fraction of kids in those swi will be adopted. last year there were something like 10,000 international adoptions. there are chinese girls growing up in families in england, spain, france, australia, canada, the u.s and even Jamaica. there are many many girls and boys left behind to live out their days in the swi, without families.
in china it is against the law to have a pregnancy without permission from the government. births of this nature are called “overquota births” .those who do, are forced to make a difficult choice- if they reproduce without permission they cannot register the child for services like school without paying a huge fine. if they have daughter first and want to have a son, an overquota pregnancy will be hidden until the time of birth. sometimes the mother travels to another village or province to give birth in secret. according to kay johnson, a researcher who has extensively looked at child abandonment, these kids are often second or third daughters of families desperately seeking a son.
it is difficult for me as a mother to imagine the pain that must be in the hearts of the birth family who leaves a child. i think about ruby and hazels birthparents daily. i know they must wonder the fate of the child they abandoned for reasons i will never know. i wish there were a way for them to know that they are both loved and cherished beyond measure.
as i watch ruby dancing on the front lawn, eating an ice cream cone, reading to the dog or digging for worms, i am grateful that i have the chance to parent this child, and soon another. the doubled edged sword of adoption means that my joy- my children- is rooted in anothers loss.
the one child policy was instituted in 1979, the year i graduated from high school. families are allowed to have one child or in the case of ethnic minorities or some rural areas one son or two children. no social security in china so the age old need to have a son to care for you in old age- since your daughter will marry and be absorbed into the sons family, dictates that many families prefer healthy sons.
the abandonment of countless baby girls (and some boys) , certainly hundreds of thousands each year ,is an unintended side effect of the one child policy. some try to soften the harshness by pointing out that the character for ”abandon"” can also be translated as “left to be found” . but the fact is that babies are left, alone, and those who are supposed to love and protect them walk away with no intent to return. no one knows the real number of babies abandoned and the government is reluctant to admit the size of the problem. there are 30 provinces in china, each with a capitol city, and hundreds of other cities as well. each city, many counties and some districts are home to an orphanage or two. the math is mindboggling. many in china believe that it is the uneducated rural folk who abandon babies. some are likely born to unwed mothers who cannot care for them, some to couples who have pressure to produce a son.
the story is the same all over china. in cities and in rural areas, in spring and in fall, in the dawn and in the dusk, babies are left . sometimes with a note, sometimes with a bottle, sometimes with nothing at all to mark who they are. a passerby notices a box or a bundle and approaches, and see's it is a baby. i wonder sometimes if they are surprised, shocked, sad. the baby is taken to the closest police station and then to the nearest social welfare institute (swi) - aka the orphanage. there the baby is assessed and cared for. only 10% of the swi in china do international adoption, and only a fraction of kids in those swi will be adopted. last year there were something like 10,000 international adoptions. there are chinese girls growing up in families in england, spain, france, australia, canada, the u.s and even Jamaica. there are many many girls and boys left behind to live out their days in the swi, without families.
in china it is against the law to have a pregnancy without permission from the government. births of this nature are called “overquota births” .those who do, are forced to make a difficult choice- if they reproduce without permission they cannot register the child for services like school without paying a huge fine. if they have daughter first and want to have a son, an overquota pregnancy will be hidden until the time of birth. sometimes the mother travels to another village or province to give birth in secret. according to kay johnson, a researcher who has extensively looked at child abandonment, these kids are often second or third daughters of families desperately seeking a son.
it is difficult for me as a mother to imagine the pain that must be in the hearts of the birth family who leaves a child. i think about ruby and hazels birthparents daily. i know they must wonder the fate of the child they abandoned for reasons i will never know. i wish there were a way for them to know that they are both loved and cherished beyond measure.
as i watch ruby dancing on the front lawn, eating an ice cream cone, reading to the dog or digging for worms, i am grateful that i have the chance to parent this child, and soon another. the doubled edged sword of adoption means that my joy- my children- is rooted in anothers loss.
posted by chris at
8:35 PM
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