haunted

after two trips to china, i have many images seared forever in my memory- the snaking of the great wall over the hills outside of bejing, the large image of mao overlooking tianamen square, the sight of freshly butchered pigs on the back of a bicycle in a narrow market alley. but by far the most haunting of all of my experiences and images was on my first trip to china the day i visited ruby’s orphanage.

to see, smell and experience an orphanage in china is something that marks your heart forever. to know that there are hundreds if not thousands of them , scattered about the cities, counties and towns in china is sobering. tucked behind gates, down rutted roads, amidst the bustle of the city or in the middle of a small country village they are there sometimes in full view and sometimes hidden. if you look at a map of china and locate changsha, hunan ruby's home town, note the size of the text print and dot on the map. know that her city was a small one by chinese standards and at the time i visited it had a population of 6 million. now look again at the map and see all the cities in the same size text or larger . the mental math is mind boggling.

the chinese are notoriously secretive about the actual numbers of orphanages and orphans in china. the ordinary citizens of china do not really have a grasp on the orphan situation, most believe that the abandoned babies who end up there are left by ignorant peasants who stealthily enter the city in the dark of night and leave blanket wrapped bundles on street corners, in markets, in doorways and behind bushes.

it is a harsh reality to know that both of my daughters were abandoned or as the chinese say “left forsaken”. i marvel when i look at them playing, sleeping , reading , splashing how different their life is that what it might have been if they had stayed in china with their birth families . but what haunts me the most is what their life would have been like if they had remained in thier respective orphanages.

the day i visited changsha number one, it was raining lightly. we entered the building and were taken to a meeting room where we each got some sort of plaque for making a donation to them. after that we were taken on a tour. it wasn’t really much of a tour- just a look at the playroom and a room where we were told that all of our babies lived ( i have reason to believe that ALL parents who visited were shown the same room and told the same thing).changsha number one is not known for its truthfulness. we were not supposed to look around or interact with any workers or kids. we were strictly forbidden from photographing anyone.

ruby fell asleep in the sling and i took her to an anteroom where there were about 20 toddlers and 2 caregivers. half the kids were in potty chairs and one person was doing pony tails. the rest of the kids were roaming the room. most wearing grubby clothing, and mismatched shoes if they had shoes on. there was a little girl with wavy hair who i have not been able to forget. she was about 2 and had the saddest face. she obviously had some sort of facial palsy and her tearstained cheeks were uneven with one side motionless and droopy. when she looked into my eyes, my heart froze for her. i was sure that no one would be adopting her and she would stay there for the rest of her life. i think about her often and wonder what her fate has been.

knowing that there are hundreds if not thousands of orphanages in china, each with children who will never leave, is a heartbreaking thought.